I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
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I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first