As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
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Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
In case you needed to hear it:
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
me working on my assignments ^-^
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.