Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
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Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Accurate
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….