Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
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Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.