Meeeee too!
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I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to