I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
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When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.