Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
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[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
SPLOOT
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites