If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
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My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Did my cat write this
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
gentlemen, hear me out
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.