Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
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[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
this has done me in for some reason
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.