When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
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They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.