Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
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(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Cake!!
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.