Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
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I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
men what’s stopping you from looking like this