ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
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Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Ken is short for chicken
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
respect
School be like
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.