babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
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Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
What’s so funny?
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
jesus christ confetti not now