Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
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met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Living the best life.. 😊
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.