You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
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You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.