“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
You Might Also Like
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.