(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
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The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.