I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
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A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Happens to everyone.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*