Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
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12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”