My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
You Might Also Like
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah