Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
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My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.