Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
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Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!