The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
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I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play