Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
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A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
i wish we could shoplift online
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”