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He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.