M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
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On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
*cough*
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.