The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*