I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
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*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones