If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
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I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
crochet youtube is brutal
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks