It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
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[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma