GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
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I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.