Its a hippotatomus
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[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
spicy snake
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again