Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
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this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
#Caturday
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.