roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
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So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Oh boy, $150,000!
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]