Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
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[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
How wrong was this guy?
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.