Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
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Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.