“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
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RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.