Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
You Might Also Like
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Here’s a meme
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.