herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
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I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.