Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
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your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now