When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
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I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how