I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
23. the denim jacket
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen