Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
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I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Best seat on the street 😍
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//