My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
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ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*