I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.