Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
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My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Saturday
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
#parenting
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.