Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
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Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know