Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
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ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.