i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
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[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I don’t think my car can fly
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?